Lets talk about hypocrites today, yes, about Stealthkilla. The guy that tries to exhibit slyness with his nickname yet is always the first one to pull the trigger and storming in guns blazing. The guy that would open the gates for the enemy only to have more than one simultaneous target. The guy that, if he could, would carry a machine-gun in each hand, plus one on the back for backup. The guy that leaves a trail of explosives wherever he goes, like in Hansel & Gretel, only because it would be funny if an old lady would step on them. The guy that has clearly more Killa in him than Stealth, that's the guy today's post is dedicated to. Cheers mate.

Uff this is going to be a lengthy one I think. After a long selection process, I have narrowed it down to 50 screenshots of him from all the games we've played throughout the last couple of years. This post probably has it's roots in the fact that we barely see him online any more since he started to study to a become a programmer. When he's not in school he's working, when he isn't working he's studying, and when he's not doing any of that he's probably complaining about how he's getting too little sleep. We realize this is very important for him and are also happy to know that he takes it seriously, and is not going at it with a game first, study later attitude. Nonetheless, I'm kind of scared to lose him to Skynet since his brain operations are getting encoded more and more, I mean he chats with me in PHP code... Any ways, this is for you mate, and we hope to see you on a more regular basis soon, either as a sentient human being or a bloodthirsty killer cyborg from the future. Without any further delay, here are 50 screenshots which will take me ages to caption:

In 7 Slices of Pie, or "Gory Minecraft", he has always been that other guy on your server, no one knows what he has been doing the last few hours, but it was always something that somehow helped you survive, which happens to be mostly attributed to his itchy trigger finger.

A.R.M.A. II or "Arbitrary Round-up of Militarized Assholes" was mainly used to test out the limits of the games engine and to get to know to which extent we were able to stretch our luck by performing every possible stunt in the armoury. This knowledge was later applied in DayZ in order to avoid tripping over sticks and die.

We also spent a lot of time in Militarized Assholes III, Codename: M.A.Tres, in which you are either prone (Get it? Because of Mattress? Ah fuck you, whatever...) on the ground or sitting in a vehicle, sometimes prone on a vehicle too, I bet he couldn't feel his balls after that trip.

Here we can see this majestic creature carrying a modern version of an FGM-148 Javelin Anti-Tank system. If experience has taught me anything, it's that you don't equip Stealthkilla with $250.000 worth of equipment just for him to Leeroy Jenkins himself into the nearest tank.

You may notice here that we are wearing different helmets, that's because Stealth, the one driving, probably thought to himself - Do you know what would be a great idea? I could take this helmet from the guy I literally just murdered a second ago, a helmet that is still warm, soaked in blood and probably won't even fit me, just because damn, these Chinese people really know how to make cool goggles. - Do you think this is a fucking game, Stealth!?

If I was looking to make a pun about this game's name I'd post a picture of three ginger cats dressed up as Batman and call it Batgarfield 3, and it would be a terrible one. Having that out of the way, I present to you another few examples on why bringing Stealthkilla to stealth missions only because of his name is a bad idea.

Reason number one: Explosives. Do you remember that kid from elementary that got a BB gun for his birthday and, even though he knew not to aim it at people, couldn't stop shooting at everybody? Well, don't fucking let Stealthkilla loose in the wild with C4 charges if you don't like to have them stuck underneath your quad-bike.

Reason number two: Machineguns. Did you ever have to switch out a barrel of a machinegun in a video game? That's right, never. That's why, when Stealthkilla sees an enemy, the fucking sun has to cover its eyes because it is getting blinded by the glow of his scorching barrel. Hiding in the tall grass is worthless at that point.

Once you have finally found your welding helmet to be able to look at him without instantly going blind you can see he's in complete rage, a bloodthirsty killing machine a the edge of bursting into a supernova. This would actually obliterate Earth and all of humanity, so technically the stealth mission would have been a success. Fuck your logic, Stealth.

Sometimes he needs some help, specially when he's having one of those Vietnam flashbacks, he forgets about those god damn hats he's always wearing, and because he can't see through his sights he starts to freak out. Blowtorch to the face usually fixes that.

Driving has never been one of Stealthkilla's strongest skills, he has proven that in so many games and I'm sorry, but I still drive better that him with keyboard than he does with a controller. But there's no point in discussing that with him because even when handing him over some binoculars so he can finally see the truth, he still flips me off. He really needs some anger management.

Sometimes he actually gets his shit together and honours his first name by actually tip toeing around for a bit, until he notices that he forgot his suppressor on the briefing table and his backup weapon is a crowbar. - The crowbar is part of our standard gear! Do you even belong to this unit? No, NO! You are NOT picking up that machinegun!!

We also played some Borderwall 2, the successor of Borderfence, where you can play as a member of the border patrol, but without any limits in jurisdiction nor armament, shoot everything that moves. And if an automatic cluster heat seeker lock on rocket launcher isn't enough, use two.

Dat ass ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

At this point this is just ridiculous... How am I supposed to come up with witty puns and other stupid captions for so many screenshots? I mean look at this one for instance, nothing is happening in it, absolutely boring and nothing can be said about it other than it's a picture from Bordergrind The Pre-Order. Pun pun pun pun Babylon burn! Next!

Finally a game that doesn't allow him going berserk all too often, but he still gets those eye twitches every time he hears the wind blowing through the tall grass, he hears those pesky Vietcong everywhere, and he still doesn't trust the local farmers.

It even got to the point that the safest place to be was right next to him, dressed exactly the same as him, because if there's one thing, and one thing only, that he wouldn't shoot, it's himself. Thanks to perfecting my Filipino accent I'm still alive to this day.

To comprehend the extent of Stealthkilla's raging state of mind, where he believes in, and often is capable of doing things that may normally seem physically impossible, just look at his ghillie suit. It's supposed to be cold looking at it through a FLIR sight, yet it looks like he's about to burst into flames and fly away. Some say he can shoot bullets by only touching the casing, he doesn't need a gun.

And here you have it again, body says Stealth, armament says Killa. I mean why do you dress like a bush wookie if you are going to make Emmentaler cheese out of everything that moves? - We have been crawling for the last 6h to get into position, nobody suspects a thing. Stealth, are you ready? YES! RATATATATATATATATATA

Sometimes he completely loses his north and starts being a good charitable person, to the point where he got promoted to Bambi Hero, which he hated. I've seen him throwing himself into a herd of zombies to distract them and let the others flee. That's what a true hero does. (Spoiler alert; he really would do anything to get rid of that outfit).

Ahhhh beautiful night raids, where we would drive up to an enemy camp with our Ural Truck, park it, position ourselves around the camp and murder them all to death. Then we would strip them off their belongings and drive away. Because that's what normal people do. Good times...

But times change, and so do the games we love. Coming from obliterating hordes of zombies and fierce firefights between players, we find ourselves in DayZ DieAlone; Shoot first, ask questions later. I am used to always be the first one to die, the positive thing about it is that Stealth now knows the exact position of the attacker, and I can chill on the coast.

Tac Team ready for deployment, good thing Stealth brought his bayonet with him, because that's something that still gets used in the 21st century... wait what? I just did research on that and the US Marines actually train bayonet charges in advanced training, and claim the M9 Bayonet that Stealth has equipped can puncture ballistic vests. I have no joke for that, I'm actually impressed.

You don't get that many opportunities to shoot your guns, unless you only live to fight at the NWA (not talking about the Niggaz Wit Attitudes), that's why killing natures most precious gift not only allows us to feast on fresh meat, but also get some shooting practice. PETA doesn't exist in this reality.

Depending of course of the equipment chosen for survival, you may end up biting more that one piece of lead out of that boar steak. You can't deny it tough, having a friend running around with a scoped RPK including a bunch of 75 round drum mags, bi-pod and flash light makes me feel quite safe... as long as I stay out of its range.

Ever heard of Purple Haze? Yeah, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be running around on a field after having smoked that. This is just Monsieur Stealth running with a smoke grenade next to a crashed helicopter. In layman terms, he's picking up soap in a crowded prison shower.

We can't get enough of zombies. It's just so much fun to slay dozens of zeds at the time with whatever tools at your disposal, be it a shotgun or a katana with mounted blowtorches. It's also good to tire out Stealthkilla, after a good slaughter he's always so calm and mellow when we get home. - Who's a good boy? You aaaaaaare!

When it comes to the shower the sneaky part in him comes forward, not that he doesn't like to take a bath, but more like, when the light dies out (pun intended), he will get into his ninja suite and bath on the roof. He plays with his squeaky rubber ducky and makes ship noises. Hooooooot!

Nonetheless he is very meticulous with his cleaning habits, combined with the fact that he's a ninja, not even light notices him. It doesn't make any sense at all from a physical standpoint, but it can still be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

I have nothing funny to say about this picture, only that whenever I look at it and read "New Activity. See world map" I have to laugh because of with how much enthusiasm Stealth throws himself at the mini-map wanting to know more about the announced activity.

When he said "Lets get as high as possible" I may have misunderstood what he actually meant by that, that still doesn't explain why the fuck he's wearing a parachute. Probably wasn't high enough.

I'm at the point where I would prefer to drink myself into a coma than having to keep coming up with more witty captions. Now I crave some Jim Beam Honey. No, this post isn't about me, it's about that dingleberry that is always winning when we play drinking games. Next!

At this point in this post it's already February the 1st and I forgot to post this in time for it to appear as an article from January. You may be wondering why it says posted on January the 31st then, well, I went into the blog settings and set my time zone to GMT - 8 (PST) before posting. Sometimes the laziest people find the best solutions, that's a fact.

Back to Stealthkilla. After everything I've already told you about him, we still need to mention his sporadic disregard for the safety of his teammates. He's very objective oriented, and he knows that most of the time he relies on us being alive, but sometimes not even a ledge on top of a sky scraper is a deterrent. And by the way Stealth, as of today, Wednesday, my nose still hurts. Bitch.

Yeeaaah. You sit there not saying anything. As if all the things you have done don't trouble you. All the human beings you have mowed down, all the civilians run over, whole cities levelled to the ground. - Think of the children Stealth! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

But still, I can't really play the victim here because at the end of the day, I'm always there when he's fucking shit up. Always right next to him, more often then not shooting in the same direction, but always ready to bail when shit hits the fan. He wont, he will fight, to his last breath.

This has shaped me, changed my ways to never lose hope, always believe in the plan and stick to protocol. This has interconnected our thoughts in whatever game we play, he knows what I'm doing, I can predict every one of his steps. We are one well-oiled machine. We are winners.

Putting his balls in holes is also a speciality if him, he has perfected his stance, and is one of the few times we play against each other. I usually finish quicker than him, but he rushes and misses.

Adequate clothing is very important for every occasion and yes, it is still more appropriate and logic to be wielding a machinegun dressed as a posh golfer than in a ghillie suit. Notice here that we didn't plan the outfits out, we just said lets dress as golfers and we dressed nearly identical. Bronection.

But no matter what we are wearing, we will always compete and challenge each other to proof or even maintain our level of skill. If we can outsmart everybody else, can we outsmart each other?

I have already mentioned his driving abilities, but also our mutual trust. That's why, if I'm going to be in the same car as he is, when he crashed, the safest place for me to sit at is at the front of the car, on a chair fastened to the bumper with cable ties. I'm a genius.

I still have a few images to go as it seems. Well, here he is as a Fallout robot (I'm assuming) with an afro. Why? Because reasons. His mini-golf ball also had an afro.

And here's another one of him, this time as a psycho murderer storm trooper pig, again, with an afro.

From time to time we find ourselves in situations where we have to give everything in order to solve a given problem, and we fail amazingly. Passive and subconscious thought interchange so we can coordinate by instinct, works every time. Active and vocal conflict resolution, always a miss.

Stealth doesn't like instructions on how to, he only accepts a what to. He's an adult, so leave the wheres, hows, whos and whens to him. Because of this he has had to backtrack more than what he feels comfortable admitting...

...and then he cries, a lot. But I've found that, only by the sound of cocking a gun, the circuits in his brain reroute themselves and he's imediatley ready to give out another beating. Still in his panda costume though.

But hey yo gotta say, he will always be there if you are knee deep in shit. He will pull you out, shove you in again, laugh, drink some tea, keep laughing, and then help you out again.

Or just play stupid games in stupid games. - Hey, this game is pretty boring, you can't to anything. Want to build a tower into outer space? All right. Want to do a Felix Baumgartner? All right.

Two captions to go and I'm out of ideas, fuck. When you look up Crazy People in the dictionary you can find a picture of him next to the description, which is this post incidentally. Yeah, I just captioned the shit out of this.

All in all look at him, so proud of his painted face. It has always been better to play with him that without, and I honestly can't wait to play some more missions in games like Mattress. I salute you.

Hot damn, I didn't expect to get all the way down here in this century. I can't even remember all the bullshit I must have written, still have to spellcheck it so. Any ways yeah, there you go Stealth, this was my professional assessment of your psyche and directly related style of gameplay. I hope you liked it, because I will never do a post like this again. Fuck no, not with 50 pictures. No go the hell back to studying, you procrastinating piece of work.




  1. I am extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one today..Pro Boosting


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Strategy [Rocket League]

AS Val Review [Battlefield 4]

Transition to Controller [Rocket League]